Archive for July, 2009

MUSSOLINI answered definitely 4.mus.002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 25, 2009

No. 269

FROM: Tokyo

TO: Berlin

March 11, 1941

# 217.

Regarding your # 244 [a].

Some changes may be necessary due to conferences, but my schedule is as follows:

Arrive Berlin about the 17th or the 18th, proceed to Rome about the 3rd or the 4th. Return to Berlin two or three days later. Remain in Berlin two or three days and proceed to Moscow.

I wish to avoid traveling by plane as much as possible.

[a] Not available.

Trans. 3-13-41

No. 270

FROM: Berlin (Osima)

TO: Tokyo

March 26, 1941

# 311.

Strictly Secret.

One portion of Minister MATSUOKA’s program is as follows. Please handle this in great secrecy. Inasmuch as we are not making a public announcement of this program all at one time here, please arrange to publish on each day the program for the following day.

The 26th.  6:00 P.M. Arrive at Anhalter station, taking up lodging in the

Bellevue Palace. No functions are scheduled on that

day.

The 27th. 10:45 A.M. Will be presented with EHREN flowers.

11:00 A.M. Interview with Foreign Minister VON RIBBENTROP.

2:00 P.M. Lunch with VON RIBBENTROP.

4:00 P.M. Interview with Chancellor HITLER.

8:00 P.M. Banquet given by Foreign Minister VON RIBBENTROP.

The 28th. 11:00 A.M. An interview with Economic Minister FUNK.

2:00 P.M. Lunch with Chancellor HITLER, followed by an inter-

view with German and foreign newspaper corres-

pondents.

7:00 P.M. Meeting with the Japanese Society.

8:00 P.M. Banquet given by Ambassador OSIMA.

The 29th.            Lunch with GOERING.

6:00 P.M. Ambassadorial reception.

The 30th.            Sightseeing in Potsdam. Lunch with the Foreign

Minister (in the ancient palace).

4:30 P.M. Leave Berlin for Rome.

Trans. 3-29-41

Page A-145

No.  271

FROM: Rome

TO: Moscow

March 18, 1941

No number.

Message to Tokyo # 153.

It was rumored about in the press club here in Rome that after Minister MATSUOKA’s trip to Berlin and Rome, he is going to visit Vichy and London. The supposition was advanced that perhaps he was going to try some mediation in the European war. We shall have to be careful about such things as this.

Trans. 3-20-41

No.  272

FROM: Berlin

TO: Hsinking

March 12, 1941

# 45.

Concerning German-Yugoslav relations, I have received a confidential report from quarters connected with the Propaganda Department, according to which Yugoslavia will join the Tri-Partite Alliance on the occasion of Foreign Minister Matsuoka’s arrival in Berlin.

Trans. 3-20-41

No. 273

FROM: Berlin (Osima)

TO: Tokyo

March 18, 1941

# 281.

To be handled in Government Code.

Today, the 18th, on the occasion of a talk with Foreign Minister RIBBENTROP, he told me that Yugoslavia will sign the Three-Power Treaty by means of a protocol within a few days. (The place is not yet decided.) He requested me to wire my government for authority to sign immediately.

Trans. 3-19-41

No.  274

FROM: Tokyo (Konoe)

TO: Berlin

March 19, 1941

# 248.

Re your # 281 [a].

As I have completed reporting this matter to the Emperor on the 10th, please sign in the usual manner.

[a] See I, 273. Yugoslavia is joining Tripartite Pact. I request permission to sign for Japan.

Trans. 3-20-41

Page A-146

No. 275

FROM: Tokyo (Konoe)

TO: Moscow

March 20, 1941

# 291.

To be handled in Government Code.

To Minister MATSUOKA.

# 248 from this Minister Pro-Tem to the Ambassador in Germany. Re your # 281 [a].

On the 19th of this month I took this petition to the Emperor; therefore, please sign your name in accordance with precedent.

[a] See I, 273; in which Berlin informs Tokyo that Yugoslavia will sign the Three-Power Treaty by means of a protocol within a few days.

Trans. 3-22-41

No.  276

FROM: Berlin (Osima) Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

TO: Tokyo

March 26, 1941

# 310.

On the 25th in Vienna, after signing the protocol for the participation of Yugoslavia in the Tripartite Agreement, when I talked with Chancellor HITLER, he said he would make an opportunity for an informal and intimate exchange of opinions inasmuch as Foreign Minister MATSUOKA has deliberately made a long trip to Germany in connection with future Japanese-German cooperation.

Trans. 3-29-41

No.  277

FROM: Tokyo

TO: Berlin

March 14, 1941

# 224.

Strictly Secret. Message to Moscow # 262.

Re your # 279 [a].

I expect to stay in Moscow two days and would like to leave at 11:00 p.m. on the 25th; however, if my plans described in my # 260 turn out satisfactorily, I would stay one day longer.

Relayed to Germany.

[a] Not available.

Trans. 3-13-41

Page A-147

No.  278

FROM: Tokyo

TO: Berlin

March 1 1941

# 222.

Message to Moscow # 260.

On the occasion of my trip to Europe I am very anxious, if possible, to try to get the Russians to accept the Ribbentrop proposal. Now, in order to achieve this, I would like to have interviews with MOLOTOV and STALIN. Through an exchange of views I think it is quite possible that I might dispel the deep-seated suspicion and doubt entertained by the Kremlin. If you agree with me, please negotiate for these interviews and wire back to the Home Office and also to our Minister in Hsinking. This message was sent to Berlin.

Trans. 3-13-41

No.  279

FROM: Moscow (Tatekawa)

TO: Harbin

March 14, 1941

# 5.

(Separate message to Foreign Minister Matsuoka # 1)

Re your # 260 [a].

1. I must point out that German-Soviet relations have changed considerably very recently because of the Balkan situation. In our three-way relations with Moscow we must do nothing without previously consulting fully with the German statesmen themselves.

2. In an interview I have had with STALIN I got the impression that even though you conferred with MOLOTOV you have no chance of getting any clearer idea of the prospect for future Japanese-Soviet relations and that you might even damage the situation.

3. Therefore, I think that you had better follow your pre-arranged schedule and make arrangements to leave here at midnight on the 25th. Ambassador OSIMA is of the same opinion.

Relayed to Tokyo.

[a] See I, 278.

Trans. 3-19-41

No. 280

FROM: Washington (Nomura)

TO: Tokyo (Gaimudaijin)

April 1, 1941

No number.

Action Rome as # ?.

To Minister Matsuoka:

Wakasugi was told by Roy Howard that should the Minister choose to return to Japan by way of the United States, following his visits to Germany and Italy, and if arrangements could be made for him to meet the President and other influential persons, the extremely tense relations which exist between the two countries may be considerably eased.

Page A-148

All arrangements for the duration of the Minister’s stay in the U.S. could be left up to “HA” (Howard ?) who will undoubtedly make the same efforts as those he made when the Minister passed through the U.S. on his return from Geneva in 1933, he said.

Wakasugi was thus urged to send a cable to the Minister to advise him to come to the U.S.

Taking into consideration the Minister’s mission on this trip as well as his schedule and various other factors, Wakasugi hesitated to do so.

Last night a special messenger from (Howard’s Washington office ?) called on Wakasugi, and said that arrangements for the Minister to meet with the President, as well as for reserving a seat on a plane from (Lisbon ?) have already unofficially been made, and only await the Ministers agreement to come to the U.S.

Wakasugi was thus urged again to dispatch the cable to the Minister.

We realize, of course, that undoubtedly the Minster’s schedule has already been definitely decided upon. However, in view of the fact that it is reported that even the Presidential circles would welcome the visit, and moreover, because the above mentioned person is so sincerely eager about it, we would appreciate some reply from the Minister to pass on to him.

According to what the special messenger let drop to Wakasugi, Howard is anxious to go to China and Japan after the Minister meets with the President, as a confidential emissary of the President, to act as mediator between Japan and China. Unofficially, he has already obtained the approval of persons very close to the President, he said.

This message has been sent to Tokyo.

Trans. 4-4-41

No. 281

FROM: Moscow (Tatekawa) Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

TO: Washington (Koshi)

April 7, 1941

# 1.

From Matsuoka. Regarding your message to Italy.

Please convey the following to HAWAADO [a].

The telegram reached me after my departure from Germany and as I am now on my way home I regret very much that I cannot act upon your suggestion. However, please accept my sincere appreciation for your interest in American-Japanese relations and in world peace. Please also convey my good wishes to the President for his good will. This message has also been sent to Tokyo.

[a] Roy Howard. See I, 280.

Trans. 4-9-41

No. 282

FROM: Rome

TO: Tokyo

April 1, 1941

# 182.

(Abstract)

Matsuoka reports on his audience with the King of Italy. The King points out that Japan is indeed very fortunate in being so placed geographically as to escape the horrors of air attacks. Matsuoka said that Japan was unified in its respect for Italian fighting and is completely in

Page A-149

sympathy with Italy’s aims. Matsuoka expresses gratitude for the expression of welcome given him on his arrival. After audience, all members of the party were given decorations.

Trans. 4-9-41

No. 283

FROM: Rome

TO: Tokyo

April 2,1941

# 184.

From Minister MATSUOKA.

On the afternoon of the 1st I had an interview with Foreign Minister CIANO (45 minutes long) which continued into my conversations with Premier MUSSOLINI (lasting 1 hour and 10 minutes). Both men welcomed me from their hearts. The general trend of the war against England was explained in as detailed a manner as possible by CIANO and summarized by MUSSOLINI, as was also the situation in the Mediterranean and North African areas. Some very instructive opinions were exchanged.

In summing up my interview with MUSSOLINI (though we used English, on occasion CIANO interpreted), he recalled our extremely frank and pleasant interview of eight years ago. Though we did not go very deep during the course of the conversations, MUSSOLINI remarked that his close collaboration with HITLER was very strong and that there was not the slightest breach between the two countries. With regard to the future aspect of the war, too, he exhibited an optimistic attitude. And again, MUSSOLINI referred to the attitude of the Soviet, but expressed the opinion that the Soviet would make no move. Furthermore, Germany and Italy were endeavoring to avoid all complications with that country. But putting first things first, at the present time relations with the United States were of the greatest importance. The United States was carrying out a policy of deliberately provoking war. And again, in respect to the Balkan situation, the Yugoslavian crisis will be settled without much ado. The Grecian question, as it relates to the Yugoslavian situation, is of great importance. Discussion was omitted on other points.

Though MUSSOLINI spoke with great feeling, our conversations from start to finish were in good humor. His health seemed to be excellent. Aside from the fact that he is getting older, it would be hard to say that he has changed much with the passage of the years. He revealed a great deal of self-confidence.

Now, Ambassador HORIKIRI sat in these conversations with me.

Relayed to England, Washington, Germany and Russia.

Trans. 4-3-41

No.  284

FROM: Rome

TO: Tokyo

April 2, 1941

# 185.

From Foreign Minister MATSUOKA.

During the talk with MUSSOLINI referred to in my message # 184 [a] I explained to him the Japanese peace plans in China and relations between Japan and the Nanking Government, and said that should there be any change in the situation upon my return to Japan I would let him know the status quo. Further, I said that when I find that the conditions warrant it I

Page A-150

may ask the several countries to recognize the Nanking Government. MUSSOLINI answered definitely that he is willing to announce the recognition at any time the Japanese Government so desires.

[a] See I, 283.

Trans. 4-4-41

transliteration 3.tra.002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 21, 2009

Saint Alexander Nevsky Ru-Alexander Nevsky.ogg listen (help·info) (Алекса́ндр Яросла́вич Не́вский in Russian; transliteration: Aleksandr Yaroslavich Nevskij) (May 30, 1220November 14, 1263) was the Grand Prince of Novgorod and Vladimir during some of the most trying times in the city’s history. Commonly regarded as the key figure of medieval Rus, Alexander was the grandson of Vsevolod the Big Nest and rose to legendary status on account of his military victories over the German and Swedish invaders while Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire employing collaborationist policies towards the powerful Golden Horde.

country 2.cou.002002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 15, 2009

Synopsis

The leader of the Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire World Canadian Bureau takes the country into a long and painful strike, demanding “some of that Internet money” from the other Nations. The boys find themselves tasked with resolving the strike so they can see some new episodes of Terrance & Philip.

Full Recap

It’s Canada Appreciation Day at South Park Elementary. Mr. Mackey assembles the kids and shows them a video from the World Canadian Bureau. The video features the bureau’s head Steven Abootman talking about the importance of Canada – and asks all of the children from Canada to stand up. Of course, Ike is the only one to stand up. No one is taking the video seriously, cracking jokes. Steven Abootman must have gotten this response from a lot of places, as he spoke out in front of a group of Canadians telling them that Canada Appreciation Day was mocked worldwide. Steven decides Canada should go on strike, which leads into a musical number, called “Canada on Strike”.

The UN is having difficulty understanding why Canada is on strike and can’t figure out why Steven is in charge of the initiative. He says he’s head of the WGA – World Canadian Bureau (if you haven’t figured out by now, this is Matt and Trey’s take on the recent writers’ strike.) Canada wants “more money.” Steven suggests the UN give them “some of that Internet money.” The UN can’t do that, so the strike continues. Ike stands outside his house with a “Honk if you support Canada” sign. Kyle feels bad for his brother and gets no sympathy from the guys. They’re infinitely more interested in Terrance and Phillip, until they find out it’s a rerun, “I Fart Huckabees.” They’ve seen it so many times, they recite the lines along with the characters. Kyle tells the guys that they need to get Canada to end the strike so they can get new Terrance and Phillip adventures. Stan says they didn’t need T&P, they could just watch American comedy. He turns on “Family Guy” and can only get through one line (“You think that’s Bad? Remember the time I sang “La Cucaracha” for Paul McCartney?” – yep, the manatees are back at work!) before Cartman turned off the set and said “we are not resorting to that.”

Back in Canada, Terrance and Phillip tell Steven that they need to leave the protest, as it’s taking too long and Phillip is diabetic. Steven tells them they can’t leave and if they do, they’re rats. This leads into a hilarious argument – “I’m not your buddy, guy”, “I’m not your guy, friend”, etc. Steven tells them that the strike is nothing to be ridiculed and that they have to stand together. Steven gets a phone call from the US – it’s Kyle, who tells them they want Canada to end the strike. Kyle says they should have more money, but didn’t have any money to give them. Steven brings up the Internet and tells Kyle to call him back when he had some money – and then hangs up on him. He feels he has the boys “by the balls.” Kyle told the boys they needed to make money on the Internet and wondered how to go about doing that. They deduced that they needed to put something “interesting” on the ‘Net to make money and came up with Butters singing a ditty called “What What in the Butt” in a variety of costumes. They put it up on You Toob, and it explodes.

Back in Canada, the strike is still on and things are looking bleak. The strike isn’t even getting any media coverage – but Butters’ video is – it’s gotten over 10 million views – everyone wants to see “that little gay kid”. Butters has even been invited to go on Jimmy Kimmel and the “Today” show. Terrance and Phillip tell Steven that the strike may not be working out and besides, people were dying of starvation.    Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire  Steven’s not ready to give up and then the news has a story about the strike. People from Denmark were heading to the US to take the place of the Canadians. They’re the “Canadians of Europe” – and scabs in Steven’s eyes.

The boys go to the DIM – the Department of Internet Money – to collect their earnings from Butters’ video. They’re sent to a waiting room with some of the Internet’s other “celebrities” like Tay Zonday (the “Chocolate Rain” guy), the Tron guy, Lonelygirl15, the Numa Numa guy, the Star Wars kid the cute sneezing panda (I missed that one) and of course, the dramatic gopher. I also saw the two Chinese Backstreet Boys in their room as well. Tay said that theoretically, he was a millionaire. Cartman told him he “so last year”, which brought Chris Crocker to his defense (“Leave ‘Chocolate Rain’ guy alone!”) Kyle gets a call from Steven, who’s still looking for money. Kyle tells him he’s still working on the money. Steven says he won’t give up the strike, because he fears looking stupid. He says they don’t have much longer and the blood will be on Kyle’s hands. Kyle senses the urgency and asks Tay if they can cut in front of him. He says no and starts a squabble in the room over who the biggest Internet star is. Tron guy said “Laughing Baby” was more popular than Tay and Afro Ninja also claimed to be the biggest star. Fisticuffs ensue. In the end, everybody died and the boys were next in line.

The boys arrived in Canada and presented Steven with a check for 10 million theoretical dollars. Steven doesn’t know what to do with theoretical money and still refuses to look stupid by ending the strike. He gets a phone call from the UN, where there’s a summit of global leaders and they didn’t call to negotiate – they asked that once everyone was gone if they could use Newfoundland for a global theme park. Steven’s done and breaks down. Kyle gets on the phone and asks them to give them something so Steven doesn’t look like a fool and ends the strike. The UN suggests a “small consolation prize” and can act like they’re giving him a lot, so the strike ends. They got coupons for Bennigan’s and free bubblegum for every Canadian. No one seems that excited, but it is the “greatest victory in Canadian history.” Kyle returns home and gives Ike his coupon and gum. Kyle’s learns the lesson (in a lengthy speech) that the Internet isn’t yet a viable place to make money for creative people. Ouch. Meanwhile, Steven throws a victory party. Terrance and Phillip bust in and announce that by not working during the strike, Canadians lost $10.4 million and the value of the gum and coupons was worth a little over $3,000. Steven said the victory was for future Canadians. Terrance and Phillip send Steven and his cronies off into the sea on a slab of ice, and Steven fades off in the distance with more of the “I’m not your buddy, guy” arguing.  Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

classroom

July 15, 2009

Synopsis

With Ms. Garrison out of the school in search of a way to be the man he was always intended to be, Cartman is given authoritah over the classroom. After doing an exemplary job as substitute, Cartman is sent to help inner-city youth.

Full Recap

Ms. Garrison has a breakdown in class, he still feels like a man. His sex change was a mistake, but with all the damage done from the operation to make him a woman, he can’t make the change back. Garrison is taken out of the classroom and Principal Victoria reluctantly lets Cartman lead the class in a review for an upcoming quiz. Meanwhile, Ms. Garrison finds out that a local company might have the ability to grow him a new penis. Cartman is commended for his ability to teach; under his guidance the class had its highest scores ever. Officials from a Denver school district want Cartman to come make a difference in one of their schools and for his effort he is going to get $300. Of course Stan and the other boys know the only reason their class scored so well is because they cheated by taking answers out of Garrison’s desk. After Kyle warns him that the inner-city kids will murder a middle class white boy trying to tell them what to do, Cartman decides to change his look. He is introduced to his students at Jim Davis High School as “Eric Cartmanez.” He tells the students he is there to teach them “calculus”. Back in South Park the company was able to grow a penis on the mouse. When Garrison tries to feel the new penis, the mouse and penis escape from the lab. Cartmanez passes out his syllabus and reveals to his students that the only way to get ahead is to cheat; it’s what white people do all the time. He uses New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick as an example. If you cheat and fail then you are a cheater, but if you succeed you are “savvy”. One of his male students doesn’t want to be a cheater and he leaves the classroom, Cartmanez wonders again, “how do I reach deez kids?” At a South Park playground stops where the boys are playing asks them to be on the lookout for his penis.

Cartman reaches out to his rebellious male student and shows him the benefits of cheating, but the student still doesn’t buy into the concept. At the Stotch home, Linda is surprised to see a mouse with a penis running through their kitchen. Butters recognizes it as his teacher’s penis and his father wonders how. Cartmanez is lecturing his student on getting material ahead of time when his rebellious male student reenters oom, intent on giving cheating a try. He tells the student if caught to fall back on the phrase Belichick used, ‘I misinterpreted the rules’. Meantime, back in South Park Garrison’s new penis is still on the run. While Cartmanez is drilling his students, one of his female students leaves the oom. He follows her out and she confesses that she is pregnant and knows that she won’t go to college. Despite her Catholicism he convinces her to cheat and get an abortion, just like the white girls do. At the Park County Police Station while Garrison is describing his mousy penis to the detectives a call comes in that a penis has been spotted at an Italian restaurant.

At the Italian restaurant the mousy penis is causing quite a stir. It escapes out back and after the mouse and penis stop to sing a song under the moonlight on the fence, it escapes down the drain. The police tell Garrison to forget about it, he might as well resign himself to being an ugly woman. When Cartmanez’s students score highly they are rewarded by being allowed to take the Standardized Advanced Placement Test for college credit, which is a heavily monitored test where it will be hard to cheat, but Cartmanez will show them the way. Back in South Park Garrison is crying on park bench, when his mousy penis finds him. The results of the Standardized Advanced Placement Test are in and not surprisingly all 24 students scored 100%. When his students thank him Cartmanez realizes that he “reached deez kids”; back at South Park Elementary Mr. Garrison makes his triumphant return as a dude gets right back to being his old self.

reach 3.rea.002002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 15, 2009

Synopsis

With Ms. Garrison out of the school in search of a way Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire to be the man he was always intended to be, Cartman is given authoritah over the classroom. After doing an exemplary job as substitute, Cartman is sent to help inner-city youth.

Full Recap

Ms. Garrison has a breakdown in class, he still feels like a man. His sex change was a mistake, but with all the damage done from the operation to make him a woman, he can’t make the change back. Garrison is taken out of the classroom and Principal Victoria reluctantly lets Cartman lead the class in a review for an upcoming quiz. Meanwhile, Ms. Garrison finds out that a local company might have the ability to grow him a new penis. Cartman is commended for his ability to teach; under his guidance the class had its highest scores ever. Officials from a Denver school district want Cartman to come make a difference in one of their schools and for his effort he is going to get $300. Of course Stan and the other boys know the only reason their class scored so well is because they cheated by taking answers out of Garrison’s desk. After Kyle warns him that the inner-city kids will murder a middle class white boy trying to tell them what to do, Cartman decides to change his look. He is introduced to his students at Jim Davis High School as “Eric Cartmanez.” He tells the students he is there to teach them “calculus”. Back in South Park the company was able to grow a penis on the mouse. When Garrison tries to feel the new penis, the mouse and penis escape from the lab. Cartmanez passes out his syllabus and reveals to his students that the only way to get ahead is to cheat; it’s what white people do all the time. He uses New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick as an example. If you cheat and fail then you are a cheater, but if you succeed you are “savvy”. One of his male students doesn’t want to be a cheater and he leaves the classroom, Cartmanez wonders again, “how do I reach deez kids?” At a South Park playground stops where the boys are playing asks them to be on the lookout for his penis.

Cartman reaches out to his rebellious male student and shows him the benefits of cheating, but the student still doesn’t buy into the concept. At the Stotch home, Linda is surprised to see a mouse with a penis running through their kitchen. Butters recognizes it as his teacher’s penis and his father wonders how. Cartmanez is lecturing his student on getting material ahead of time when his rebellious male student reenters oom, intent on giving cheating a try. He tells the student if caught to fall back on the phrase Belichick used, ‘I misinterpreted the rules’. Meantime, back in South Park Garrison’s new penis is still on the run. While Cartmanez is drilling his students, one of his female students leaves the oom. He follows her out and she confesses that she is pregnant and knows that she won’t go to college. Despite her Catholicism he convinces her to cheat and get an abortion, just like the white girls do. At the Park County Police Station while Garrison is describing his mousy penis to the detectives a call comes in that a penis has been spotted at an Italian restaurant.

At the Italian restaurant the mousy penis is causing quite a stir. It escapes out back and after the mouse and penis stop to sing a song under the moonlight on the fence, it escapes down the drain. The police tell Garrison to forget about it, he might as well resign himself to being an ugly woman. When Cartmanez’s students score highly they are rewarded by being allowed to take the Standardized Advanced Placement Test Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire for college credit, which is a heavily monitored test where it will be hard to cheat, but Cartmanez will show them the way. Back in South Park Garrison is crying on park bench, when his mousy penis finds him. The results of the Standardized Advanced Placement Test are in and not surprisingly all 24 students scored 100%. When his students thank him Cartmanez realizes that he “reached deez kids”; back at South Park Elementary Mr. Garrison makes his triumphant return as a dude gets right back to being his old self.

little league 3.ll.002 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 7, 2009

Synopsis

The South Park boys are playing the final Little League game of the season. They win, and are glad to be done with it. But they soon find out that winning was only the beginning, now they’re forced to play in the National circuit, and risk wasting their whole summer. There’s only one way out: Lose, and lose big.

Full Recap

All of the fourth grade boys are playing baseball against Conifer. On that team, a kid named Alan Barkas is up to bat. Randy (Stan’s dad) wants the kid to do badly. Alan’s father gets angry with him. On the field, the South Park children want Stan (who is the pitcher) to strike him out so they could go home. Alan gets a strike, and suddenly Randy and Mr. Barkas Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire are fighting because Alan’s father said that Stan threw like a girl. Stan gets embarrassed with what his father is doing. Stan gets Alan out and South Park wins 4 – 0. The kids are happy thinking that they are done playing the boring sport (baseball) for the whole summer. However, Steven (Butters’ father who is the coach) tells them that they are going to the finals. They got the best record in the division and are now going into post season. The adults are overjoyed but the children are not. Meanwhile, Randy is arrested. That night at Whistlin’ Willy’s, the team has a pizza dinner. They all are upset, but Stan tells all of them that as soon as they lose a game, it is over. Unfortunately, they always seem to win and their parents would be upset at them if they threw the game. Stan tells his teammates that they will let the other team know they want to lose and will act as if they want to win. The parents won’t ever find out. Randy shows up and talks to the other parents. His bail was only $100. Steven says to him that he should be careful in the playoffs. Gerald (Kyle’s dad) tells him that they get really drunk and obnoxious. Randy decides to train, but really does nothing to do so.
The next game is at Fort Collins baseball field. Stan tells the Fort Collins team that they do not want to win and gives them a piece of paper that will tell them what pitches he will throw, in order. However, they want to lose as well. The two teams get angry at each other because they both want to be the losers. The game begins. Morgan Pratt (from the FC team) is up to bat. Stan throws the ball and Morgan doesn’t even try to hit it because he wants to strike out. Kyle suggests that he throw balls so Morgan would have to walk a base. The FC pitcher gets angry with him when he gets a ball and tells him to swing when it is going to be a ball (to get a strike) and to do nothing when it is going to be a strike. It is hard because Morgan has to guess what Stan is going to throw. Morgan’s father starts to get angry with Randy. On the field, Morgan accidentally hits the ball and goes to first. The SP team also has to guess when they are up at bat and Cartman ends up having to walk to first base, which brings Kyle back home. In the audience, Randy and Mr. Pratt start fighting (and Stan is embarrassed again). At the end of the game, South Park ends up winning 4 – 3 (making the SP kids sad and the FC kids happy) and Randy is arrested once again.
The boys end up winning their games against the Greeley kids and the Pueblo kids (Randy is arrested after each game). The team goes back to Whistlin’ Willy’s with a trophy they did not want. Steven tells the team that they are playing in the State Championship Game. If they win that, the season starts over on the national circuit and they spend their whole summer playing baseball by competing with kids from other states. Stan tries to tell his father that he does not want to play but he can’t because his father is very happy that he is going to fight in a championship game. The game is at the Coors Field, in Denver. The two teams go on the news and Randy trash talks about the Denver team. Then, a man in a costume shows up saying that South Park does not stand a chance. A woman explains to Sheila (Kyle’s mom) that the person in the costume is Tom Nelson, who is a father of a person on the Denver team. He drinks too much and usually gets into fights at the baseball games. The reporter reveals that Randy was trash talking about Denver and Tom Nelson (who goes by the name of Bat Dad) gets angry with him before some cops take him away. As for the children, they do not know what to do. Cartman tells them that in a sports movie, the team finds a good player to add to the team. However, they need someone who sucks. Kyle knows who: his cousin Kyle. They go to the airport Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire and once the kids see him, they know that he’s perfect for the job.
Randy sadly walks in Coors Field and then goes on home. He tells his wife (Sharon) that he is not going to the game. Sharon wants to know why he won’t go to their son’s biggest game and Randy admits that he is scared. He does not think that he could take Bat Dad. Sharon tells him that he does not have to fight and just watch the game but Randy thinks that she wants him to realize that he has to fight because it’s who he is. Sharon tries to tell him that she meant not to get thrown out of games and making an ass of himself but Randy just leaves, feeling he has ashamed her. The Colorado Little League State Championship begins. First up to bat is Kyle Schwartz (Kyle’s cousin Kyle). He does not know anything about baseball, not even where to stand. The pitcher throws the ball and Kyle Schwartz does not swing because it was close to hitting his head (Strike 1). The pitcher decides to throw a ball, but Kyle Schwartz tries to swing at it and misses (Strike 2). While he is complaining that it is cold there, the pitcher throws the ball directly at the bat, which counts as a bunt. Kyle Schwartz makes a homerun. Stan realizes that they were trying to make their team suck but the other team practiced sucking. What happened to Kyle Schwartz happens to the other players on the SP team. To make matters worse, when the Denver team is up at bat, they hit the ball right into someone’s glove. Kyle realizes that they will have to play the sport for the entire summer.
Even though Denver is losing, Bat Dad still cheers them on and he gets on everybody’s nerves. Randy ends up coming and says that the Denver team is terrible. Randy and Bat Dad start to fight. Stan sees this and is embarrassed. Bat Dad grabs Randy and throws him over the railing, onto a bench that soon breaks. Bat Dad plans to jump on Randy but he misses him. The commentator says that the little league has a no-tolerance policy. The umpire leaves the game to stop the two men from fighting and says that their teams could be disqualified. The SP team hears this and runs up to Randy to cheer him on. Randy is knocked out from a punch from Bat Dad. He leaves thinking that he is done for anyway. With the support of the team, Mickey (his “coach” [reference to the Rocky movies]), Sharon, and the crowd, Randy gets back up. Randy knocks Bat Dad out and South Park is disqualified. The Denver team has won. Randy is about to be arrested. Before he leaves the stadium, Stan tells him that he is the greatest. Randy leaps for joy. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

clooney 3.clo.11 Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

July 4, 2009

Synopsis

Stan has a new dog, Sparky (voiced by George Clooney), that is different from other dogs. He is homosexual. This troubles Stan, who has to concentrate on quarterbacking the South Park Elementary football team against Middle Park. Stan could be key in beating the 70 point spread against them. Sparky, after being hurt by Stan’s feelings about his lifestyle, runs away and meets Big Gay Al. Stan, distraught by Sparky’s disappearance, sets out to find him.  Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire

Full Recap

The boys suspect that Stan’s new dog Sparky is gay, especially when they witness Sparky butt-raping another male dog. At football practice, the boys prepare for the big homecoming game against Middle Park. The boys don’t really know what it all means, but the Alumni, which include Uncle Jimbo and Ned, are concerned. With Stan as quarterback, Uncle Jimbo is certain the Cows will beat the 70 point spread that is in favor of Middle Park Cowboys. Sparky arrives at the football field and he rapes another male dog. Cartman makes a presentation on Simon & Simon and gets a D-, since it was supposed to be on Asian cultures. Stan makes a similarly weak presentation, but gets an A-; after all he is the star quarterback. Stan asks Mr. Garrison what a homosexual is. Mr. Garrison says that they “are evil, right down to their cold black hearts”. When the boys get back home, Sparky is there to greet them wearing a pink scarf. Stan demands that his dog not be gay. At the sports book, when Uncle Jimbo puts $500 down on the Cows to win, everyone else starts putting there money down as well. That makes Uncle Jimbo nervous, so he decides they better have a backup plan. He finds out that John Stamos’s older brother Richard will be singing “Loving You” during the half-time program.
The boys try to make Sparky heterosexual. Stan calls into the Jesus and Pals show, but his question is cut-off. Stan pleads for help, upon hearing that Sparky runs away. Chef coaches the boys on making sweet love to the football. Uncle Jimbo obtains a bomb, which he plans to denote to when Richard Stamos reaches a high F during “Loving You”. Stan is down; his dog is gay and missing. Meanwhile, on the run Sparky finds “Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Animal Sanctuary”. Until Stan finds his dog, he isn’t planning on playing any football. Uncle Jimbo attaches his bomb to the Middle Park Mascot. Stan searches for Sparky on the day of the big game. Chef awaits Stan’s arrival. Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire
The game begins and Kyle is put in as quarterback. Stan comes across the sanctuary and is given a tour by Big Gay Al as they look for his dog. Meanwhile the Cowboys are beating the Cows. They find his dog in disco and Stan plans to take Sparky home so they can work on Sparky not being gay together. Big Gay Al hears this and takes Stan on “Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride”, where Stan learns about homosexuality through the ages. The Cowboys are killing the Cows (well Kenny anyway). At half-time, Richard Stamos starts singing “Loving You” and fails to hit the high F.   Louis J. Sheehan, Esquire  An educated Stan leaves the sanctuary and returns to the football field in time for the end of the last quarter. One touchdown is all that is needed to beat the spread at with Stan at quarterback they do just that. In his interview after the game Stan tries to tell the people of South Park “that it’s okay to be gay” and about the “Big Gay Animal Sanctuary”. He takes them to where the sanctuary was, but doesn’t find it there. The townsfolk do however find their runaway pets. “Big Gay Al” appears and thanks Stan for bringing everyone and he disappears. Finally Richard Stamos hits the high F and the Middle Park mascot explodes.
Kenny dies when he’s tackled and his arms and head are knocked off.